“You, a bed, the sea” (2)

aka Har$
10 min readApr 1, 2023
A broken cassette tape near a tree trunk on the pavement in the Amsterdam Pijp, with the tape spilling out.

“I went to see a Chinese wedding film with Chuck, in this open air movie theatre. There is a bar. And there were some of my friends and of Chuck’s waiting there. We had a couple of wines. But it was boring, I didn’t like it. Then we came to my place, where we got really, really stoned, and we listened to this extremely good jazz that I copied to another tape. I’m really happy about that because I really like it.

And I was talking about you a lot! Really a lot I mean. Not about you personally. I mean, I was talking about you by talking about the concept of being in love so much, so much that you don’t care about anything else. I mean… I think being in love is a situation that doesn’t depend only on the person that you are in love with, it depends as well on you self, because… I really … I don’t know, I’m not sure, but I believe that everything really starts within your self.

If I was not ready to be in love, I wouldn’t be. Not even if you were the greatest guy on earth. I mean, if I was blind at that moment, and if I was selfish and… Because, you know, I was not selfish with you. I was really open and I was exposing myself to you, and I didn’t care about shame, or about my attitude, or about whatever. I was feeling so free with you. And one can not just feel free with everybody. There are some people that you can be free with, and with others that you really can’t, even if you try.

All these problems inside my head…
I’m trying to capture what we have, and transform it into something like a logical thing, into a process about, like, how is it when you’re in love? So it’s going to be like a lesson for me. But on the other hand I can’t, because you cannot describe how is it to be in love.
I suppose it is being in love when you are sitting outside of his door, and you’re listening to chat, and you know that he is inside, and you know that you are missing him so much, and you know the only thing you want to do is be with him and stuff; but on the other hand you don’t want to be there because you are going to lose all your dignity, and stuff.
I didn’t have no more dignity, you know.
You know what I mean?
Dignity?
Like I was trying to protect myself?
I was not.
People do try to protect themselves from other people.
They think that they’re gonna be hurt, or whatever.
At least, that’s what I do.
I don’t know if you do.

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aka Har$

is Harold Schellinx, a writer, artist, scientist living, working & roaming Amsterdam & elsewhere (harsmedia.com).